Hors de Prix (Priceless)

It’s the usual story: hooker meets valet, hooker thinks valet’s a millionaire, hooker and valet screw each other over, valet becomes gigolo to impress hooker… sparks fly.

Okay, so maybe it’s not quite that simple, but giving everything away would diminish the fun of what is, essentially, a wonderfully put-together French farce.

Directed by Pierre Salvatori, the film is one extravagant location, one dazzling outfit after another. It’s eye-candy at its best, beautiful, yet fun and flirty at the same time.

Audrey Tautou (Amélie) plays the girl – Iréne – a money-grubbing babe who picks up rich men and sticks around long enough to get a marriage out of them. Comedy is clearly Tautou’s forte, and though she is a little shrill at times, her flirtations and temper tantrums are a delight to watch.

Gad Elmaleh is a perfect sounding board to her scheming ways. His valet-turned-toyboy Jean is wonderfully expressive, not to mention brilliant at slapstick and physical comedy.

But if anyone steals the show, it’s Jean’s sugar-mummy Madeleine (Marie-Christine Adam), who is an utter delight as she manipulates her young lover, her facial expressions alone carrying the movie from amusing rom-com into delightful farce.

Priceless is a sumptuous, guilty pleasure, required viewing for those of us who have become disillusioned with the state of Hollywood romance and seeking a much better way to fill a couple of hours. It’s forgettable, but is a joy while it lasts and a stunning piece of eye-candy.

(Released 5th April, 2007 - some theatres)

Hot Fuzz

It’s hard to follow up Shaun Of The Dead. One of the most innovative black-parodies ever created, not to mention one of the funniest comedies in a very long time.

Writing duo Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright return again for their special brand of fun-poking genre-comedy, this time focused on buddy cop films and again directed by Wright. With firepower instead of pool-cues this time, it manages to chase hot-on-the-heels of Shaun’s laugh-counter, and makes a brilliant return to comedy for stars Pegg and Nick Frost.

It all takes place in small-town Sandford, Gloucestor. A rural town where not much happens (except that it seems to be populated by a who’s-who of British comedy), Constable Nicholas Angel (Pegg) is sent to be the new Seargent when his London superiors realise that his excellent abilities as a police officer are making the rest of the service look bad by comparison.

But all is not as it seems in idyllic Sandford…

Taking all the best parts of action cinema and turning it on its head, the film swerves between clever nods and out-and-out plagiarism, but always with a genial respect melded with the piss-taking. Frost’s PC Butterman, Angel’s small-town partner, is a delightfully stupid foil to Pegg’s straight-laced, straight-faced Seargeant, providing most of the laughs. The supporting cast are also brilliant – Timothy Dalton’s oily supermarket magnate is a standout, as is the motley crew of coppers (headed by Jim Broadbent), and Bill Nighy’s blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo as London’s Chief Inspector.

Wright has turned the hallmarks of Shaun into his own personal trademarks. Apart from being filled with in-jokes (Cornetto, anyone?), the director is developing a recognisable style, populated by graphic matches, whooshing scene-changes, and frenetic cutting.

It’s politically incorrect, offensive, and fantastically violent (it’s an action movie by the zombie guys! What did you expect?), but apart from a slight lag in the middle, it’s a laugh-a-minute extravaganza of some of the best comedy ever to be committed to film.

Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer

(First posted March 14th, 2007)

Of all the senses, it is the sense of smell that has least been explored in the realm of the silver screen. And with good reason. How do you possibly translate a sense so limitlessly varying and so personal an experience into one that can be encapsulated with sound and images?

Director Tom Twyker (Run, Lola, Run) takes on the onerous task of translate the olfactory to the audiovisual, in his film Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer. Adapted from German author Patrick Süskind’s ‘Das Parfum’, it tells the story of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille (Ben Whishaw), born in the stench of eighteenth century Paris, who possesses a unique and powerful sense of smell.

Whishaw’s Grenouille is a striking character, though whether he can be considered a character is debatable. He is rather a state of mind, an anthropomorphic quest to find the world’s greatest aroma through any means necessary, his permanently mystified gaze a testament to the skill of the actor at manipulating his character’s emotion with subtle strength.

Through the brilliant uses of colour, sound, and cinematography, it becomes astoundingly easy to follow Grenouille’s olfactory expedition. Every scent is laid bare in a way that is astonishing in its ingenuity, and even for those not blessed with a sympathetic sense of smell, the film is a visual masterpiece.

However in the story it falls short. The narrative is excellent, an intriguing tale of murder and desire, yet the characters struggle to elect a protagonist. At times it is the tormented Grenouille we align with, yet just as quickly we can become immersed in hatred for him, and sympathy for his victims. While this could have been used to great effect, the transition is not as seamless as it needs to be, lending a feeling of unwelcome disconcertion.

Still, with flawless acting (Alan Rickman and Rachel Evan-Wood are outstanding, though it is Dustin Hoffman who runs off with his portion of the show), and with a delicate use of his audiovisual facilities, Twyker’s film is a superb example of the power cinema can wield in the right hands. A definite must-see, if only for the rare chance to see something truly different and breathtaking.

Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny

(First posted February 9, 2007)


Tenacious D: The Pick Of Destiny is pretty much what you’d expect. A singularly rocksome affair, filled with laughs, silliness, Jack Black’s usual face-pulling, and rocking tunes. Oh, and Satan.

Teaming the writing talents of ‘The D’ (Jack Black and Kyle Gass) with Liam Lynch (the United States Of Whatever guy), this was always going to be a fun ride, hellbent on being as ridiculous and puerile as possible (listen to D classic Fuck Her Gently and you’ll get the idea). And in that it delivers, creating something so unashamedly juvenile it’s more than a guilty pleasure.

The story: two overweight, face-pulling wannabe rock stars go on the road to find the ‘pick of destiny’, a legendary guitar pick made from Satan’s tooth, so they can win an open-mic contest and pay the rent, is nothing short of genius, and just what we’d come to expect. It’s full of sight-gags, general slapstick, and cocksucking jokes, but they’re given such a vibrantly fresh feel it’s impossible to compare this with other crass comedies (Epic Movie, anyone?).

Not only is it a fun dig at just about everyone crossing the D’s path to glory, it’s also a great game of ‘spot the celeb’, with hilariously memorable cameos from Meatloaf, Dave Grohl, John C Reilly and Ben Stiller. But it’s Tim Robbin’s momentary role that steals the whole show.

Not for everyone, of course. The uninitiated will be left scratching their heads and wondering why Shallow Hal is swearing so much. But for the Tenacious D fans out there, it’s a must-see.

Stranger Than Fiction

(First posted January 31st, 2007)

If movies were soft drink, Stranger Than Fiction would be Diet Kaufman.

It has the imaginative plot, the touches of the surreal, the wry comedy of the Charlie Kaufman school of film-making, yet Marc Forster’s dramatically black comedy is missing that extra bit of punch.

The concept is genius – writer Karen Eiffel (Emma Thompson, wearing no make-up) is suffering from a severe case of writer’s block in the matter of killing off her main character, not realising that said character is a real person – Harold Crick (Will Ferrell). And here’s the kicker – he can hear her narration in his head.

Yet the film is riddled with too many plot holes. How do we account for the events that Eiffel is not narrating? Why on earth would Maggie Gyllenhaal’s socially defiant baker fall for an IRS auditor that looks like Will Ferrell?

These, and other questions, are not answered in the quest for finding some sort of human truth that tugs at the heartstrings and makes us laugh. Yet neither of these are done in adequate measure.

That’s not to say it’s a bad film – it’s entertaining and has quite a number of brilliant moments; the acting is outstanding (Dustin Hoffman’s literary professor, especially, is wonderful) – but there’s just something missing. Something that could have moved this experience from the cautiously engaging into the truly rousing.

El Laberinto del fauno (Pan's Labyrinth)

(First posted January 13th, 2007)

1944, rural Spain. Such is the backdrop for Guillermo del Toro’s Labyrinthian effort, a dark and twisted fantasy set beside a dark and twisted reality.

Both fantasy and reality tell the story of Ofelia (Ivana Baquero), a pre-teen sent to live on an army base with her pregnant mother (Ariadna Gil) and new stepfather (Sergo López), the latter a brutal and unhinged army captain with a penchant for torture and impulsive murder.

Obsessed with fairytales, Ofelia creates fantasy in her own mind until she comes across a faun, Pan, (Doug Jones) in a dilapidated stone maze on the base grounds.

Though it may sound like earlier fantasy incarnations such as Wizard of Oz or the similarly titled Labyrinth, this is not a movie for children. The majority of the film focuses on conflict: between the army and the rebels, between the main characters (including Maribel Verdú’s stunning performance as sympathetic servant Mercedes), between fantasy and reality. The violence is unflinching, visceral to the point of disturbing, and the dark, overcast tones are almost as unsettling.

Then there’s the fantasy. The creatures are fantastical, certainly, but carry with them the sort of darkness one should always associate with the grimmest of fairytales. Disney this ain’t, more a reflection of a mind so consumed and surrounded by atrocity.

But even though the frames are painted with the darkest brush, it’s not all doom and gloom. In Ofelia, a sense of innocence is found. Reality is not black and white, rather a state of mind consumed by adulthood.

There are very few drawbacks. Some of the symbolism is inspired, the costume and set design are artistic masterpieces, yet retain their staunch realism. But though the reality aspect of the film is explored to the fullest and most effective, some of the fantasy sequences feel short and lack sufficient build-up (especially a scene involving a giant toad). This is a minor drawback, however, and cannot diminish the impact of what is a brilliantly visual, emotional, and psychological journey.

And if you don’t like the symbolic stuff, there’s some pretty cool monsters.

Marie Antoinette

(first posted December 27, 2006)


Director/writer/famous relative Sofia Coppola’s watchword seems to be ‘slow’. Previous films The Virgin Suicides and Lost In Translation have been slowburn dramas with strangely flat story arcs and no particular climax.

But while these two films have found their strengths in strong character development and emphasis on detail, Marie Antoinette is less successful.

And there’s not even a beheading.

Kirsten Dunst’s French Queen spends her time gambling, eating cake, and having indiscriminate sex with attractive Swedes. Which is all well and good – her husband (Jason Schwartzmann) isn’t particularly interested in doing the nasty with her, and she doesn’t have the first clue about ruling a country.

Then some stuff happens. She wears towering wigs, goes through the entire French supply of shoes, eats more cake, dances to The Cure, faces the requisite angry-mob-with-flaming-pitchforks. Oh yeah, and pops out a couple of kids along the way.

There are some highlights. Rose Byrne’s party-girl is a delight, as is Rip Torn as the lecherous king. And every now and then Kirsten Dunst shows some real insight into her character’s emotions... and her backside and nipples. Plus there’s some funny stuff about sex. Which is good. If only the contemporary winks and nudges hadn’t worked so much better in A Knight’s Tale.

You can’t help feeling that Coppola has missed the point… and along with her, so have we.

The Queen

(First posted December 27th, 2006)

Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, seems to be as far elevated above our consciousnesses as her position is elevated above our own. An aging woman commanding a decomposing system of rule, she is the mother of a cowardly weasel of a prince and the wife of an adulterous geriatric.

Yet director Stephen Frear and writer Peter Morgan’s version of The Queen is imbued with such heart, depth and – dare I say it – wit, that it is impossible not to find virtue in her.

Primarily chronicling the week following the death of Princess Diana, the film presents a side of the titular Queen (Helen Mirren) previously unseen by such lowly commoners as ourselves.

Through her strained dealings with new Prime Minister Tony Blair and her interactions with family (Sylvia Syms is both charming and affecting as the Queen Mother) and the press, we are able to see the trials involved in maintaining such stoic dignity. Mirren’s performance is subdued and nuanced, creating ranges of heartfelt emotion with the simple twitch of an eyebrow or the fall of a foot.

The performance of Michael Sheen as Tony Blair is equally commendable, his uncanny resemblance to the Prime Minister only the starting point of a triumphant and sensitive performance.

While there is no way to verify the accuracy of the events, the film stands on its own as an affecting story of dignity and restraint in the face of accusation, propaganda, and the potential wickedness of politics, not to mention the feeling of helplessness when one realises one may not be as understanding of her world as one once thought.

Another strength of the film is its refusal to take sides. Every character has his or her own reasons for acting, and their own benefits to gain and advantages to lose. Tony Blair is no less a person than Her Majesty, simply the flipside of a spinning coin, and those caught in the wake of the events are drawn with sensitivity, regardless of which way they would like the coin to fall.

Its power draws from its unrelenting intent to present the story of a lady in crisis, her world thrown into sudden turmoil, and is, overwhelmingly, a success.

Little Miss Sunshine

(First Posted November 24th, 2006)


To some, beauty pagaents are the bane and embarrassment of Western society, especially when they focus on children. A breeding ground for paedophiles, a proliferation of the value of looks over substance in little girls, and a massive investment of time, emotion and money for the families involved.

Little Miss Sunshine sticks two fingers up in the face of organised catwalking for minors, taking the family of seven-year-old pagaent contestant Olive Hoover (Abigail Breslin, Signs) on a journey that is by all accounts revelatory, emotional, and hilariously funny.

Michael Arndt's blacker than black script is handled with surprising flair by directors Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris (better known for music videos than films) as Olive, her self-obsessed self-help author father (Greg Kinnear), unsatisfied but supportive mother (Toni Collette), Nietzsche-wannabe silent brother (Paul Dano), sex-obsessed druggie grandfather (Alan Arkin), and suicidal gay professor uncle (Steve Carrell, in a surprisingly brilliant dramatic turn) drive from Albuquerque to California for the Little Miss Sunshine pagaent.

Each character is a finely crafted and non-stereotypical persona, each with their own goals and fears. Rather than develop as a triumph of one character over the oppression of their family situation, it is the rare moments of collective understanding and support that provide the most victory, and the wry sense of hope you leave the theatre with is testament to the understated and realistic filmmaking.

That is not to say that the film is without comedy - it is both pitch black and uproarious, infused with a realism that avoids the outrageous for the most part. Even the parts of the movie that push the boundaries of believability are carried through on the strength of the characters and the actors. The relationship between Dwayne (Dano) and Frank (Carrell) is especially poignant and hilarious, and one of the many high points of the film. And without giving too much away, the finale is of such brilliant satirical worth it should be shown to every mother thinking of entering her daughter in a pagaent.

One of the best films of the year.

Saw 3

(First posted November 26th, 2006)


The grotesquery has broken out of its face-cage for the third instalment of the Saw franchise, and it’s a beautiful bloodbath.

Loosely picking up where Saw 2 left off, Aussie boys James Wan and Leigh Whannell return to spin a new yarn about the sadistic – but revoltingly fair – Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) and his partner-in-gore Amanda (Shawnee Smith, Becker).

But all is not peachy in Jigsaw's twisted lair. On his death bed, he is training Amanda to take over, and looking for one last hurrah before he succumbs. And that means one last victim...

It carries on the franchise admirably, continuing the tradition of stomach-churning, unflinching torture, mixed with a tight, compelling plot. Even though the violence is hardcore, it doesn’t fall into the trap of being superfluous – every movement made by every character seeks to further the already intricate plot, and for the most part, this is a success.

The characters, however, fail to entirely convince on a personal level. While the plights of Jigsaw’s latest victims are horrible situations, there seem to be far too many characters to gain a real empathy with any of them, and once the spillover characters from Saw 1 and 2 are dealt with, there’s too much going on.

Which would be okay, except for the fact that it's overcompensated for by the end when the patented 'twist' is revealed. It's as though someone is poking you repeatedly while chanting 'do you get it now? Let me show you that again, just in case you don't get it. Are you sure you got it? We could show you one more time.'

Likewise, the extra plot runs hand-in-hand with extra gore, and some of the traps seem unrealistically detailed and technological for two people to construct, despite how magnificent they may be.

Still, the Saw franchise has always based its appeal on spectacle, and there it certainly delivers.It may not quite live up to the standards of its predecessors, but as a standalone film it is certainly a must-see for the more intelligent legions of horror fans.

Suspiria

(First posted October 26th, 2006)

When listing off the greatest 70s horror films, you get the old faithfuls: The Exorcist, Dawn Of The Dead, The Amityville Horror, Jaws.

What you don’t hear about is a film called Suspiria.

Made in 1977 by bonkers Italian director Dario Argento, it’s a twisted little story about an American dancer (Jessica Harper, Shock Treatment) who transplants herself into a German dance academy, where the teachers may or may not be involved in something a lot darker than ballet.

Though it may not be the most famous of 70s horror, it is certainly the scariest. Argento’s tense plot is enhanced by a vivid and inspired use of colour, stunningly arranged shots, and a few of the best and most inventive deaths in screen history. It’s so nail-biting, in fact, that it’s almost hard to watch, the tension strung taut as a wire.

The dubbing is slightly disastrous however, yet it’s not impossible to ignore and is complemented by a childlike, memorable score that sets the teeth on edge. The performances are as good as your usual 70s horror. Harper gets along fine, but her supporting cast are shaky at best.

But it’s the direction, cinematography and editing that drive this along, and if that’s what you like, you’ll be jumping at the tiniest noises for the next week.

An Inconvenient Truth

(First posted September 29, 2006)

Give us a little while longer, and the Earth's population will either be dead or refugees of our own making.

Such is the message of Al Gore's 'An Inconvenient Truth'.

Yes, the 'little while longer' is more in the vein of fifty years, but to summarise Gore, a lot of things can happen very suddenly, and if we don't do something now, there'll be no way to stop these sudden events further into the future.

Following former presidential candidate Al Gore's compaign to inform the world of the damage that's being done to the earth through global warming, the film presents Gore's message as one of optimism rather than despair. The graphs and images he uses to set up the problem are frightening rather than lecture-hall tedium, and as he deconstructs the myths about our effect on the environment, a true story begins to emerge. Yes, we can make a difference - and the revelation is somewhere between frightening and uplifting.

The personal anecdotes are symbolic rather than soppy, and rather than get overly angry and irritating (a la Michael Moore), Gore's commentary is heartfelt, bold, and consistent.

Bugger The Omen - THIS is the most frightening film you'll see all year.

Lady In The Water

(First posted 28th September, 2006)

True fairytales don't seem to be particularly high demand recently. It's either woefully shallow Disney-Pixar CGI, or some crap about a guy shooting a bunch of other guys over... I dunno... terrorism or something.

So when a truly magical film like this comes along, it's no wonder its box-office representation is not the best. And that's a shame, because when a truly magical film comes along, it should be mandatory viewing.

M Night Shyamalan's 'Lady In The Water' is a magical little story, the embodiment of the word 'fairytale' yet somehow pure Shyamalan. While there is no twist, there is an understanding that somehow everything is connected, that the story of the manager of a small apartment complex (Paul Giamatti) finding a water nymph in the complex swimming pool can somehow reflect the shortcomings of man, and the way a simple event can ripple outward to affect the world.

The film rests heavily on the shoulders of its cast, and the players provide the simple tale with deep affection and resonance. There are twists and turns - we'd expect nothing less from our director - but it's more about actions and their effects than any cheap reveals. Paul Giamatti is heartbreakingly believable as the manager-with-a-secret Cleveland Heep, and Bryce Dallas Howard (The Village) as the aptly-named Story could be a nymph herself, her features are so beautifully expressive and ethereal. The supporting cast, as well, are stunning, and the dog-like 'scrunt' creatures are frighteningly realistic.

It's everything that should be expected of a fairytale. A few scares, an occasional laugh, a compelling mystery, and the feeling that you'e witnessed a transformation.


And as with all fairytales, the ending doesn't matter, just that the ride has been amazing.

Stormbreaker

(first posted September 25th, 2006)

As a long-time fan of Anthony Horowitz's Alex Rider series, I was always going to approach this with mixed feelings. Excitement, certainly, but also trepidation. Because if anybody destroys my Alex, I swear to god I'll...

Ahem.

It comes as a relief that director Geoffrey Sax (the interminable 'White Noise') manages his material quite well. He lays the necessary groundwork (and there is a LOT of it, being the first book) in a way that is exciting instead of tedious and perfunctory, and he sticks enough quality action sequences in to drive the plot along, even though there is the occasional sense that we're stuck in a gyroscope after eating four hotdogs and milkshake, the camera moves are so erratic and vertiginous.

The script is reasonable enough, though Anthony Horowitz is a better author than he is a screenwriter. On the upside, it adds a bit of a personal touch, and calms down the rabidity that could result when fans realise just how much the story has been butchered. Whole scenes have been taken out or transformed, and even some of the character names are different (villian Herod Sayle becomes Darrius Sayle, and is American instead of Lebanese). Still, Alex's (Alex Pettyfer) adolescent spy stuff is believable and heartfelt, just what we'd expect from a boy who discovers his uncle is a spy and has been killed (a brilliant opening sequence starring Ewan McGregor), not to mention that he himself has been secretly trained all his life to take over the job.

The film falls flat, though, when it tries to be a little too cool for its own good. It comes off as a little too contemprary and disposable - hardly a work that will endure for years to come - rather something that'll keep fourteen year old boys entertained for a few hours. The use of music by the Gorillaz and Kaiser Chiefs may make the audience exclaim 'hey! I know that song!' but it feels too commercial and brings down the quite serious and dark tone of the story. The cast of Britain's finest (Bill Nighy, Robbie Coltrane, Andy Serkis, et al) lift it up where it falters and their delivery of the snappy, clever lines is a delight.

A good film, but not quite satisfying, though it'll keep its target audience captivated for a little while. And it's a shame because while what's there is a great night out at the movies, it could have been so much more.

Clerks 2: Passion Of The Clerks

(First posted September 1st, 2006)

It was always going to a tough act to follow. A cult hit and a mandatory inclusion on most 'best of' lists, it was impossible not to be nervous coming up to the release of the follow-up to Kevin Smith's master work.

So breathe a sigh of relief, people, because Clerks 2 is beyond worthy.

Picking up ten years on from the original, Clerks 2 finds Dante (Brian O'Halloran) and Randall (Jeff Anderson) still stuck in their dead-end jobs, still having woman trouble, still abusing customers, and still finding time to debate Star Wars. After the unfortunate demise of the QuickStop (in a brilliantly self-referential opening scene), the site of mischief is now the Mooby's fast food chain. Dante is engaged to Emma (Jennifer Schwalbach) and is moving to Florida with her the next day, hoping to escape his loserhood. Of course things don't go smoothly.

Jay & Silent Bob are back, as hilariously funny and puerile as ever, but it's the new characters that really earn their salt. Jesus-freak virgin Elias (Trevor Fehrman) and Dante's other romantic interest Becky (Rosario Dawson) (And as Randall points out, how the hell does Dante manage to always have so many chicks willing to jump him?!) both play their roles with the glee required to lift this from basely immature into comedy gold. Sure, the occasional debate isn't so original (like, we know Frodo and Sam were hot for each other - it's not cutting edge to say so), but it's done with such obvious joy and spirit it still seems like the most clever, original thing ever to be said.

With all the shit that's churned out of Hollywood at the moment, it's nice to see a film that's still prepared to include human/donkey unholiness, but is chock-full of heart.

Snakes On A Plane

(First posted September 1st, 2006)

At its core, Snakes On A Plane is the usual, run-of-the-mill, clichéd airplane thriller. You’ve got your bad-ass cop, your plucky air-hostess. The passengers consist of a disgruntled Englishman, a slutty socialite, a woman with a baby, children travelling alone, and every other airplane stereotype you can think of. They’re all there, ready-made for screaming and jumping.

But did I mention the snakes?

You’ve really gotta hand it to this film. It doesn’t take itself remotely seriously, yet it manages to be one of the most thrilling, engaging and fun films in recent history. It swings between laughs and shocks so quickly you barely notice the shift. And if that’s not enough... it’s got SNAKES on a (motherfucking) PLANE!

I could wax lyrical about special effects and character development and all that other crap, but it’d detract from the pure awesomeness that are the snakes. So I won’t.

It’s got Snakes on a Plane, people! That should be enough for anyone.

Kenny

(first posted August 25, 2006)

Kenny Smyth (Shane Jacobson) spends his time buried up to the elbows in human excrement.

But don’t let that dictate your opinion of him. Kenny is one of the most genuine, kind, believable people in existence, on-screen or off. He endures his irritating codger of a father (Ronald Jacobson), adores his son, helps out complete strangers, and smiles, laughs, and jokes his way through a job that is - quite literally - full of shit.

Written by brothers Jacob and Derek Jacobson, Kenny is an extraordinarily engrossing mockumentary following the journey of it’s titular character (a 40-something Aussie bloke that just happens to work for portaloo company Splashdown) and his attempts to hold his life together and make something of himself. Where this film finds its strength is in its refusal to be calculatedly clever, simply allowing its wonderful characters to allow us into their lives, however simple they may be. Kenny is dignified and sweet, the kind of bloke you’d chat to for hours at the pub, and it’s impossible not to cheer him on as he navigates through his life; experiencing love, air-travel, hoon-attacks, mistreatment, and a hell of a lot of shit.

Christopher Guest, eat your heart out.

MirrorMask

(First posted August 21, 2006)

MirrorMask is a sepia nightmare-scape of fantastical beauty, Dave McKean’s stunningly realised world coming to life in a cartoonish dream of Jim Henson creatures and masked demons.

Circus child Helena (Stephanie Leonidas) finds herself dropped into the magical world in this coming-of-age fable, reminiscent of Labyrinth and Return to Oz, after her mother is hospitalised after a collapse. Now, trapped in a land with only her own drawings and a hodgepodge of giants, sphinxes, mysterious books, and masked strangers to guide her, she must find the charm that awakens the queen of the light and holds back the encroaching dark.

While the symbolism is thicker than the stylised shadows, the morals never feel heavy-handed or blatant, and Helena’s quest to apologise to her ill mother is heartfelt and genuine without resorting to sugary sweetness. It’s a fairytale of the nastiest kind, and a complete travesty that this low-budget gem didn’t find a broader cinema release. Even though the puppets are traded for CGI, the creatures and landscape are no less vivid and palpable, the claustrophobia and tension handled so skilfully it’s impossible not to be swept along by the rush, led into a world where everything is extraordinary and nothing is to be taken for granted.

The Sentinel

(first posted August 4th, 2006)

If you've seen the trailer, you'll have most of the movie planned out for you. Michael Douglas (The In-Laws) plays a secret service agent on the run after being accused of plotting against the president. Keifer Sutherland (TV's 24, and The Lost Boys, if you're a purist) is trying to bring him down. There's some bad blood between them, for reasons that are fairly unimportant. Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives) has nice breasts and looks good in a pants-suit.

While it is nice to see a film that's not a sequel or remake, this one does lack a certain originality regardless. It's a mishmash of The Fugitive, In The Line Of Fire, and every other 'aging-American-bloke-does-a-lot-of-running' film you've ever seen. Though it doesn't bring the film down in this respect, it does jar slightly, leaving you thinking 'now where have I seen that before...?' rather than allowing you to sit back and unravel the quite deftly handled mystery.

The characters are woefully underdeveloped, especially the requisite bad-guys, and all characters are prone to massive switches in attitude for no apparent reason. Kim Basinger's first lady is not much more than wallpaper, and Michael Douglas' face-lift is often more interesting than he is.

The film's shooting is cliche - sweeping helicopter shots, ragged flashes of corpses... director Clark Johnson (S.W.A.T) has been here before. But his work is more suited to Law And Order or NYPD Blue than a film that requires a 108-minute runtime.

But the film does save itself in the fact that it knows what it is, and which audience to target. In that respect, it's a solid political thriller for a Friday night, and is subtle in that it spares us copious shots of things blowing up, and doesn't rely on swearing or graphic sex to create interest (and really, who needs to see Michael Douglas on the job, anyway?).

It's fun, it keeps you guessing, and though you may not remember a thing about it the next day, it's a nice respite from real-life.

Jindabyne

(First posted July 21st, 2006)

Australian film has experienced an uprising recently. It seems that, finally, the cheap ocker comedy has fallen by the wayside, making room for genuine, introspective drama that resonates with critics and the select few that shell out their hard earned money to see something that doesn't involve someone with the surname Wayans or Sandler.

Jindabyne is one such film.Adapting from Raymond Carver's short story, director Ray Lawrence (Lantana) constructs a delicately introspective, brooding tale of ethnic and moral ambiguity that subverts the standard thriller structure. The basic plot of the story (men find dead aboriginal girl in lake, but keep fishing for two days before telling anyone) suggests elements of thriller, but it is mostly a dramatic piece, with beautifully constructed and believable characters (Laura Linney's dissatisfied wife is superb) coping with the situations presented to them and trying to regain a semblance of normalcy.

While it answers few questions, and contains no finite ending, the film is ultimately satisfying and provides the basis for further thought and speculation about the actions of people and their responsibilities to each other.

Some Scary Shit (Here Be SPOILERS!)

(First posted July 7th, 2006)

Today, I saw Friday the 13th for the first time ever.

Yes, I did. I’d never seen it before, as my local video shop doesn’t stock it. This week, my family decided to be adventurous and go to a different video shop. And… there it was. Needless to say, I grabbed it and clutched it to my chest like a good little movie geek. I ran straight home, and watched it.

I was disappointed.

It was okay, it had some really good kills, and I could understand why it was so huge ‘back in the day’, but really, there was nothing particularly special about it. “Your jaded noughties brain can’t understand the classics”, you may say. Not true. Bride Of Frankenstein is on my high rotation list, and I would never turn down a screening of The Omen (the original, of course). But when it came to Friday the 13th… I was indifferent to its charms. It didn’t keep me interested and, most importantly, it didn’t scare me.

Until the last five minutes.

There’s something about little Jason Vorhees leaping out of a lake, and dragging a girl out of her canoe in his wet, rotting arms. It wasn’t exactly a new concept (they used the same ‘JUMP! Oh, it was all a dream’ method in Carrie, four years previous), but bloody hell, it scared the shit out of me.

So it got me thinking, what movies have scared me the most? And, more specifically, what moments made me jump out of my skin? What haunted me for weeks? What made me sleep with the lights on?

So here they are… my top ten movie moments that scared the living shit out of me.*

(*I understand that these may not be the same as yours, oh reader. So don’t come to me and say ‘oh, but where’s that bit from Halloween?’, because I don’t care about the public’s favourite scary moments. I care about mine. (And I thought Halloween was a bit boring, to be honest. Shoot me if you must)

And, again, a warning. SPOILERS! SPOILERS EVERYWHERE!

10. Giggling Zombies
Film: The Evil Dead
Lowdown: Ash goes into the woods with his mates, reads from the book of the dead, and suddenly everyone starts going zombie.
Moment: Being raped by a tree should get some kind of award for being disturbing, but in fact it’s crazy girl zombie Linda sitting cross-legged on the floor with her head lolling about that gave me the nightmares. It’s the giggle that does it, that haunting, crazy laughter that sounds like a cross between little-girl-lost and psychotic flesh-eater while she crawls after him along the floor.

9. Stabby Stab Stab!
Film: Don’t Look Now
Lowdown: After his daughter dies, John buggers off to Venice with his wife, where he starts to see his dead daughter everywhere…
Moment: …or so he thinks. It’s the moment that little red raincoat turns around to reveal a psychotic dwarf with a knife that makes me think ‘fuck, this shit is fucked!’ and then STAB STAB! And, before you say anything, I’m not discriminating against dwarves. I’m discriminating against crazy dwarves in red raincoats that stab Donald Sutherland. Honourable mention to the extended sex scene – that was pretty traumatising too. I never want to see Donald Sutherland naked again.

8. Screaming Heads
Film: Return To Oz
Lowdown: After some electroshock therapy goes wrong, Dorothy returns to Oz (go figure) which has become a wasteland ruled by the evil Nome King and headless Princess Mombi.
Moment: While trying to escape from Mombi’s palace, Dorothy wakes Mombi’s replacement heads, which reside in the glass cases lining the castle halls. The heads immediately begin to wail in a fashion that is so haunting it puts teeth on edge. The headless Mombi then chases Dorothy through the castle, egged on by the screeching heads.

7. Where’s The Gun?
Film: The Sixth Sense
Lowdown: A little kid can see dead people. All the time. They’re everywhere.
Moment: While hiding from the ghosts in his tent, little Haley Joel Osment sees a teenage boy wandering his halls. This guy doesn’t look too bad, we think. At least not until the boy asks if little Haley Joel wants to know where his dad keeps the guns, then turns around to reveal a bloody cavity that takes up half his head. Well, at least we know where the bullets went.

6. Camera Goes Dead.
Film: The Blair Witch Project
Lowdown: In October of 1994, three student film makers disappeared in the woods near Burkittesville, Maryland. One year later, their footage was found.
Moment: This film got a lot of stick, mostly because people felt a bit ripped off by the ‘this is legitimate footage’ lie. And fair enough. But it doesn’t prevent the fact that the film’s premise is innovative (if you forget Cannibal Holocaust), and that it has some shit scary moments, mostly involving teeth. And then there’s the final moment. There’s some screaming, some forced re-enactment of the myth of the witch… and then the camera dies. And that’s it. It gave me nightmares for a week.

5. Playtime Turns Nasty
Film: Frankenstein (1931)
Lowdown: A scientist creates a man out of the remains of corpses and animates it with lightning and a murderer’s brain. The monster escapes.
Moment: Stumbling upon a little girl playing near a lake, the confused monster joins her in the delightful 30s German game of tossing flowers into the water and pretending they are boats (hey, they didn’t have television!). Having a grand old time, the monster doesn’t let the game stop when he runs out of flowers. Oh no. He picks up the little girl instead, tosses her in, and drowns her, a stupidly gleeful grin on his face.

4. A Very Dynamic Manuscript
Film: The Shining (1980)
Lowdown: An author and his family become the caretakers of an isolated hotel for the winter… but it seems they are not alone.
Moment: The wife, her curiosity getting the better of her, takes a peek at her husband’s work, the great novel he claims he has been writing for months. But instead of grand literature, all that greets her eyes is pages and pages of the same words over and over again. Say it with me now: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

3. Is He, Or Isn’t He?
Film: Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1978)
Lowdown: The earth is slowly being repopulated by alien clones, which replace humans while they sleep.
Moment: Donald Sutherland (he’s doing well in this list) wanders around, after managing to evade the aliens for the whole movie. His face is blank, his eyes dull, and he walks like a zombie. But is he pretending, or is he really one of them? His fellow escapee, Nancy, doesn’t know, so she takes the chance and runs up to him, babbling about escaping. Finger pointing, he turns, his voice an undeniably alien screech.

2. Some Scary Sheet!
Film: It.Lowdown: An evil clown murders the children of a small town by taking the form of their worst nightmares.
Moment: Okay, everybody knows that clowns are pretty fucking scary anyway. There’s no denying that. But when an unseen clown is stalking a little kid through that kid’s own backyard, and then appears suddenly between the sheets of the clothesline, sharp teeth dripping with drool and eyes burning with evil, it’s something that’s bound to give any kid nightmares. Or any adult.

1. Better Than 3D
Film: The Ring
Lowdown: You watch an unmarked tape. Afterwards, the phone rings, and a voice tells you you’re going to die in seven days. It’s not joking.
Moment: After being seriously unsettling for the first nine tenths of the film, Samara finally makes her appearance on the television screen, crawling out of the well in the background, staggering, dripping wet and rotting, toward the foreground (I’m pretty much inconsolable by this point), and then… crawls out of the television! I didn’t sleep for a week, I jumped every time the phone rang, and I refused to turn out the lights. I will never ever see this film again. Ever.

But finally, I must provide a dishonourable mention. This award goes to the film with a disturbing scene that doesn’t inspire terror or trauma. This award is for a horror film that goes so far into the realm of stupidity that it’s utterly disturbing, if only that they could get it made. The award, especially, goes to one certain scene.

And so, the award goes to the ghastly Troll 2. While watching television in his caravan, a teenage boy spots a show with a girl in lacy black underwear walking through the woods to 80s techno music. Suddenly, the techno seems a lot closer than he first thought, and he steps outside, coming face-to-face with black lingerie woman. She chats him up, takes an ear of corn out of her garter belt, shares it with him while they shag, and the sex is so hot the corn pops. The popcorn fills up the caravan, and he drowns in it.

And that, ladies and gents, is the scariest film moment of all time.

Superman Returns

With Superman soaring back onto the big screen after a such a long sabbatical, there were always going to be a few fears. Would this new Supes fit easily into Christopher Reeve’s long-idle cape and outside-underwear? Would a new film ever be able to capture the spirit of the earlier incarnations? Is Superman still relevant to a cynical and disbelieving world?

Will we still believe a man can fly?

Well, fanboys and girls, don’t worry for a second, because Superman is back, bigger and more heroic than ever.Picking up where the second Reeve film left off (and wisely disregarding the abysmal parts three and four), Superman Returns finds Superman (newcomer Brandon Routh) completing a long trek to the destroyed remains of his home planet. After five years, though it’s been a lot longer for those devoted Supes-fans, he has finally returned to his surrogate home of Earth, and is looking to fit back into his earlier lifestyle and regain his distanced relationship with the citizens of his second home. But both Clark Kent and Superman are almost forgotten, and Lex Luthor’s name no longer strikes fear into the hearts of Metropolitan civilians. Lois Lane has renounced her love of Superman and has moved on, shacking up with her five-year-old son and an ever-so-slightly jealous fiancée, Richard (X-Men’s James Marsden).

It doesn’t take long for the shit to hit the fan, as is often the way in a good Superman movie (or a bad one, come to that). Luthor is back on track with a new diabolical scheme to take over the world, Kevin Spacey bringing new life to the role vacated by Gene Hackman, revealing a darker, more ruthless Luthor that ever before. His Lex is menacing, relentlessly evil, and seeking revenge. That’s what five years in prison does to you.

But the big question is whether the new incarnations of Lois and Clark can bring the same amount of pizzazz and charm to their roles as their predecessors. The answer is a resounding ‘yes’. Routh’s wide-eyed Superman is suitably jaded, with a slight hint of fragility and petulance after so many years away, and the dejected mien he creates in response to his former love-interest is nuanced and genuine. His Clark, however, leaves a little to be desired, providing more a sub-standard caricature of Reeve’s bumbling reporter than his own take on the character, but he is appropriately and stutteringly nervous. Kate Bosworth, as well, takes a fair stab at the Margot Kidder role, and her Lois leaves nothing in particular to be desired, though one does wonder how a woman that can’t be a day over twenty-five can have been a hard-hitting, seasoned reporter at least five years before the events of the film.

Minor characters, as well, shine here, with Parker Posey’s henchwoman and trophy babe getting her fair share of the best lines. Sam Huntington’s Jimmy Olsen is near-inspired, his breathless nerd captured perfectly. Perry White is slightly undercooked, though, his character only just sidling into the third dimension, but that's through no fault of the actor (Frank Langella), he is simply a casualty of the tightly packed two and half hours of story-telling, that causes some characters (Eva Marie Saint's Martha Kent, for example) to fall by the wayside. This is not a noticeable loss, happily, but a necessary sacrifice for the good of what is a brilliantly layered and emotional journey.

And then there’s the other major star of the film. Reportedly the most expensive film of all time, director Brian Singer and his co-conspirators have invested their money wisely, with utterly believable special-effects. From a roaring gas explosion to the languid anti-gravity floating of a maroon cape, every moment feels mesmerisingly genuine, without detracting from the snappy script and delicate storytelling. Singer was the perfect choice, and his abandoning of the half-hearted X-Men 3 is entirely justifiable, when he presents us with such rich brilliance as this.

Hold onto your hats, folks. Because Superman is back!

It's so empty the echoes have echoes...

Here's my new blog!

The Westlife one was getting quite crowded with movie reviews and whatnot, so I figured I'd move the reviews over here and hope the extra space would help them breed faster.